In The Name Of Fanservice
by Yuniz
Summary: Ed and the gang do odd things in the name of fanservice...NOT. In that case, what do they do? Read to find out. Crack. Companion fic to The Terrible Lunchtime Of Doom.
1. The Four Gifts

AN: This story features a guest author by the name of kacheep. It is the companion fic to The Terrible Lunchtime of Doom, and has the same format as explained in chapter four of TTLD. Also in the fic, Al is an armor.

* * *

Edward Elric was drowning in poo. More specifically, Black Hayate's poo.

"EARYGH! WON'T SOMEONE SAVE THIS INNOCENT CHILD?" Ed bawled, trying to stay afloat.

Black Hayate only barked, and continued his diarrhea.

"Black Hayate!" Riza snapped. "No playing until after you've finished your supper!" she admonished.

Roy put a hand on her shoulder. "Darling, don't worry, the short one can fend for himself,"

Riza brushed him off. "I don't love you," She handed him a gift card to the local brothel. "Here, content yourself with this,"

"I love you too," With a swoop of his coat, Roy was off. "Happy fun time, here I come!"

Alphonse Elric finally came to his brother's rescue. "Big Brother, you should be ashamed of yourself," He pulled Ed out of the stinky stuff."You look filthier than Mustang's hoes!"

Ed gasped. "Al! Your innocence has been compromised!"

Al paled. "Er... I mean... You look filthier than Mustang's lady friends!" To atone for his sin, he stood stock still and allowed his fangirls to glomp him as much as they pleased.

He began to rust from the massive amounts of drool emanating from the fangirls' mouths. One of them crawled into his armor.

Ed, having conveniently forgotten how his brother had just saved his life, decided to ponder the mysteries of the universe.

"Hmm...the world is such a small place for one as large as I," He straightened up and stroked an imaginary beard. "How sad Major Armstrong must be, so small compared to me..." He flexed his tiny muscles.

Roy returned, bearing a disconsolate expression. "In the last four minutes, I caught 63 STDs, 60 of which that are incurable. HAWKEYE, I WANT YOUR FLESH!"

Riza tossed him a piece of ham. "Fleshy enough for you?" she asked. "I also have some roast beef in my car."

With a roar of inhuman rage, Mustang lunged for Hawkeye's throat, only to get a bullet in the knee.

Breda, Falman, Fuery, and Havoc arrived at the scene. "Mustang, why is there in a bullet in your knee?" asked Fuery.

Havoc recognized Mustang's problem. "BREDA, FALMAN, GET OUT HIS EMERGENCY PORNO, STAT!" The men quickly pulled out magazines from inside their coats and thrust them in front of Roy's eyes.

"Hehe..." Roy was reduced to a simpering blob. "My ladies...how beautiful you are in ink,"

Riza giggled. "Thanks for saving me. I shall now grant you all one favor."

Breda went first. "I want...your virginity,"

*bang* Breda drifted off to purgatory.

Falman nervously scratched his neck. "Hawkeye, I would like an eye color,"

Hawkeye invoked her powers of awesomeness. "YOUR EYES ARE NOW...THE COLOR OF GAY RAINBOWS AND UNICORN DUNG,"

Falman tearfully thanked her, and ran off in search of a mirror.

Fuery looked down at the ground shyly. "Perhaps it wouldn't be too difficult to grant me Black Hayate's first born son?"

Riza nodded solemnly. "You have my word." As if on cue, multiple puppies flew out of a female dog next to Black Hayate. The first male puppy to be born was automatically transported into Fuery's arms.

"Yay!" He squealed.

Havoc cleared his throat. "Er... could you possibly give me a girlfriend who thinks of me as a god?"

"Hm...that is a little difficult, but it can be done," Riza conjured up a woman of the highest caliber for Havoc.

"Ehmahgawd!" the woman gasped, bowing down at Havoc's feet. "Are you my boyfriend? You're hot,"

"Shall we go out on the town?" Havoc tipped an imaginary fedora.

The woman passed out romantically into his arms.

Roy had now recovered, and was up on his feet. "Havoc, your girlfriend is smexy, can I borrow her?"

Havoc shot him in the other knee. "NEVER!" He squealed, running off to the nearest police station, girlfriend in tow.

"AIEE~!" Fuery screeched, dropping to the floor and administering first aid onto Roy's knees. The puppy went off in search of a mate. "Get back here, White Etayah! No mating until you are a million years old!" Fuery shook a fist at the rebellious pup.

Roy blinked as he saw Fuery administering the first aid onto him. "Are you...my soul mate?"

Fuery smiled sadly. "Alas... I am not gay. Good day." Fuery left, leaving Mustang all alone, save for Ed and Al.

Ed walked over to Mustang. "You are a despicable excuse of a man. I shall castrate you with my automail blade. Also, now that both of your knees have been shot out, I am taller than you." Ed readied his weapon.

"...no...NO!" Roy cried out in self pity. "If you castrate me, I'll never be able to woo girls again!"

Al sighed. "Colonel Mustang, have you already forgotten about your 60 incurable STDs?"

"What STDs? I don't have any STDs," Roy said, wearing his cute eyes expression. He scratched his nether regions. They were really itchy.

"Don't play dumb with me, Bastard Colonel," Ed squatted down and pulled down Mustang's pants in a slightly homosexual way.

The sight that greeted him left him slightly blind. "...HOLY CRAP, MY EYES!" Ed screamed, pointing at Mustang's decimated reproductive system.

Roy grinned sheepishly. "That's not even the worst of it," He dramatically gestured to...

* * *

AN: What did Roy gesture to? The next chapter shall tell all.


	2. IT

Roy gestured to...his foster mother, Madame Christmas. She was having tapioca pudding.

"What now, Roy-boy?" She snapped, lighting up a fresh cigarette.

"Show them... it." he whispered.

"IT?" Madame Christmas shrieked, dropping her spoon and cigarette on the floor.

Roy nodded dramatically. "Yes. It."

"Are you sure?" asked Madame Christmas. "The likes of 'it' may very well render you a babbling idiot, forced to remain in an insane asylum for eternity,"

Ed punched her in the gut. "Shut up and show it to me, ya old hag."

"Very well," Madame Christmas punched Ed in the gut, then walked over to a steel door that had not been there before.

She opened the door, and Ed gasped. There were transvestite palm trees as far as the eye could see.

Al had wisely closed his eyes. "Brother, what is it? Please describe it to me as cleanly as possible!"

"A horde of tee pee tees," Ed said slowly. "Otherwise known as transvestite palm trees,"

"Brother..." Al asked, an innocent halo of light appearing behind him. "What's a trans-vez-ty?"

"The most despicable thing on the face of this earth," There was a evil glint in Ed's eye.

"So... a trans-vez-ty would be someone taller than you?" Al asked, an aura of innocence emanating from him.

Ed stared at Al in disbelief...how dare he mock his physical shape! "COME HERE, LITTLE BROTHER!"

Al ran joyfully to him. "Oh boy, am I getting a hug?" Suddenly, he found himself in a brothel.

"Excuse me, fair lady," Al tapped an employee on her shoulder. "Where am I?"

She turned around and screamed. "A TIN CAN! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!"

"Nooo!" Al whined. "I'm stuck here... in a place called..." He read a sign by the front door. "The Fantasy Club?" The name was not familiar to him.

"Wait a minute..." Al suddenly had an epiphany. "This is Colonel Mustang's happy fun time place!" The mere realization caused Al to have a nervous breakdown. Of course, everyone ignored him.

Meanwhile, back where Ed, Roy, and Madame Christmas were, the transvestite palm trees began to break-dance.

Ed scratched his head. "So. What do these palm trees have to do with your 60 incurable STDs, ROY-BOY?"

"You're not allowed to call me Roy-boy," Roy burned Ed to a crisp as a certain transvestite palm tree named Envy stopped break-dancing and walked up to the three.

Ed uncrispified himself. "Who's she?" he asked, pointing at Envy.

"Me?" Envy pointed at him...her...itself. "I am a transvestite palm tree of the highest quality," He continued, referring to himself as if he were a piece of beef.

"Oh." Ed sidled up to the palm tree and compared heights. His hair antenna made him one inch taller than Envy. Ed smiled and made a mental note to always be nice to transvestite palm trees.

Envy examined Ed in a slightly awkward way. "You're fugly, no one would want to have a hot lemon with you,"

Ed frowned. "You wanna bet?"

But alas, they could not go through with it, for at that moment, Ed's fangirls crashed through the ceiling and began to have a million-some with the hapless alchemist.

"NOOO!" Ed screamed, as he was violated by a million-some hands. Envy pouted, as he had not a single fangirl. Except for that one stalker who tried to eat him once...but otherwise, none of the female gender wished to make babies with him.

Suddenly, Envy had an idea. "FANBOYS! COME TO ME!" A mob of troubled teenage boys ran to the transvestite palm tree and they had a ten million-some.

Ed looked at Envy. He was jealous. His original decision to be nice to all transvestite palm trees was now null.

"Die." Ed charged Envy. A holy light shined from his automail blade.

"Eh?" Envy looked up from his ten million-some. He shooed his fanboys away.

"Ed, can't we be civilized people and talk about this in front of a therapist or something?" Envy pleaded.

"Therapists are for crazy people," The obviously crazy person yelled as he activated BATTLE MODE.

Envy gulped and hid behind his 10 million fanboys. However, they were unwilling to be his shield, and instead went off to fanboy over something else.

Ling Yao gasped for air as he was glomped simultaneously by 10 million fanboys. "SAVE MEEE~!"

With a malicious grin, Envy transformed into his true form, and not the puny one, mind you, but the monstrous badass one.

Ed's jaw dropped. "NOOOOO!" He wailed, breaking out into hives. "I'M BADASS-INTOLERANT!"

The transvestite palm tree smirked to himself, already envisioning his victory party, complete with balloons and a live performance by the Bieber boy himself. "BEGONE, SHRIMP ALCHEMIST!"

Ed perked up. "WHO DID YOU JUST CALL A SPECK OF COSMIC DUST~?"

Ling appeared. "I did."

"PREPARE FOR TOTAL ANNIHILATION~!" Within seconds, Ling was half dead, and was in front of the pearly gates.

God looked him up and down. "Sorry, Ling," he said. "You don't meet the Heavenly Criteria."

But as Ling blinked, he found himself back where he had fallen, and with Lan Fan hovering over him while holding a defibrillator.

"CLEAR!" she barked, zapping him with enough electricity to kill a small elephant.

"I'm alive already!" Ling managed to say as purple lightning emanated from his body.

*bzzzzp* He was back at the Gates of Pearl.

"I thought I already rejected you," said God, tapping away at his laptop. He giggled, pressed a key, and half of Amestris was stricken by swine flu. By some perverse probability ratio, all the major characters of FMA were still healthy.

Ling squinted his already squinty eyes at God. "You better not do anything to Xing."

"I suppose not...at least not today, I have a prayer fulfillment session today," Using his omnipotent power, God sent Ling back down to earth.

"Huh...wuzzat?" Ling groggily opened his eyes. He was back in Xing and dressed in a monkey suit of royal clothing.

"Ling Yao, you are now...the emperor of Xing," Lan Fan prostrated herself on the floor.

* * *

AN: Please don't be offended by our mention of God. He probably won't appear again in this story unless another one bites the dust. On a lighter note, strange plot twists are very fun indeed.


	3. Young and Supple

Ling watched his bodyguard offer her body to him. "Girl, what you doin'?"

Lan Fan shrugged. "Whoring myself to the most powerful man in Xing, I suppose."

"Hmm..." Ling reflected over Lan Fan's words. "In that case, please continue."

So Lan Fan continued, taking Ling's virginity in the process. Fu watched with hungry eyes. He began to have a flashback of a time when he was still young and supple.

-Begin Flashback-

A 20 year old Fu flexed his young and supple muscles. He scoped out the nightclub for an equally young and supple woman to take to bed. Suddenly, he was glomped by his 10 million fangirls.

"Unhand me, or the wrath of Fu will overtake our village," said Fu, shaking them off with ease with his young and supple-ness.

-End Flashback-

Lan Fan finished her young and supple business with Ling.

Fu sighed. "Ah... back when this anime was called Fu-metal Alchemist... those were the good days." He wiped a tear from his wrinkly and liver-spotted cheek.

Suddenly, the youngsters realized that Fu had been watching them all this time. "Grandpa! Get out of here!" yelled Lan Fan.

"Why, back in my day..." Fu left, grumbling about 'respect', 'honor', and 'Damn it, I want to watch'.

Ling watched the pedophile leave. "Shall we continue?"

Lan Fan nodded. "Let's."

* * *

Meanwhile, back in Central, Ed and Envy were still doing battle. Despite his face swelling up from all the badass, Ed was doing fairly well. Unfortunately, he wasn't doing well enough.

"DIE, ENVY!" Ed screamed, firing at Envy from point-blank range. He missed.

Al watched from the sidelines. "I want to change my bet from Ed to Envy," He told the bookie.

Envy smirked. "You hear that, shorty? Your brother's betting on ME to win!" Envy maniacally cackled. He took out a mirror and adjusted his hair, so he would look smashing at his victory party.

Ed gave one last uber-kawaii-chibi look at Al, and passed out.

"I WIN!" Envy screamed to the heavens.

God looked down. "Euuurrrggg..." He shuddered. "DIE, YOU FREAK OF NATURE!" He readied his 'God powers'. However, they were only at 50%, and would not produce an effective attack if used.

"Aw, hell." God snapped, and ate a battery. It brought his power up to 55%.

"Get yo' ass in here, Gabriel, and bring me 9 more batteries, goddammit!" God was in his beeyotch mode.

"We only have 8 left," said Gabriel nervously, fearing God's retaliation. "And annother thing, sir, why do you want to damn yourself?"

A vein popped out of God's forehead anime style. "RREARGGHHH~!" He roared, unleashing a powerful demonic wrath onto the world.

Gabriel sighed and dove into his hidey-hole.

* * *

Back in Xing, Ling and Lan Fan were having a serious conversation.

"Ling..." Lan Fan uttered, sparkling eyes at maximum power. "I'm... a transvestite."

The emperor's eyes bugged out. "But earlier...you had all the right anatomy,"

Lan Fan smiled pityingly. "Ling, you naive little emperor..." She began to give him a lecture on the female anatomy.

After her speech was finished, Ling began to violently convulse at the thought of what he had just engaged in.

Several of his fanboys surrounded him with huggles. "Aw, Ling-kewn, we all love you!"

"GEROFF ME!" Ling roared, standing up with such thunder and force that the tea set in front of him cracked. "I AIN'T GAY!"

"Really now," Lan Fan's eyes continued to sparkle at a level far beyond their maxiumum power. "The way you were holding me just a hour ago, why, that was pure 100% grade A gay,"

Ling clasped his hands and turned to the heavens. "GOD! SMITE ME, NOW!" The omnipotent one was more than happy to comply.

"WITH MY EPIC POWERS OF EPICNESS..." God ate the remaining batteries. "I SHALT SMITE THEE!" However, his power level had only gone up to 95%, and so the smite-ing was not quite...complete.

Ling's disembodied head glowered at God. "You suck!" Gabriel, wanting to avoid trouble, used his own power to completely smite Ling for good.

Suddenly, God remembered something. "Gabriel? You're just a puny archangel. YOU DON'T BELONG IN THIS STORY!" Immediately, Gabriel vaporized, but not before dragging God along with him.

"NOOOOO!" God bellowed, before being dragged into Hell. "GODDAMMIT! GODDAMMIT ALL TO HELL!"

"...well then," said Lan Fan, turning back to HIS own fanboys. "Now that everything is more or less back to normal, we can proceed with life,"

Ling's head whimpered. "Will nobody donate their body to the Emperor of Xing?"

"Go away," Lan Fan kicked Ling away as if he were a soccer ball, and proceeded to lemon the night away. Meanwhile, Ling rolled out onto the street and into a river, where he fell in and drowned.

* * *

Meanwhile, Envy was in the middle of his victory party. It was a grand event of momentous importance, taking priority over birth, death, and world domination - however, no one else was there.

"Man," Envy sulked. "I sent invitations to EVERYONE! I'm so... UNPOPULAR!" he sobbed. Scar watched from the side, unsure of how to console the transvestite palm tree with his sexy hobo powers. He settled for some flowers and chocolate.

"Do not worry, gay Homunculus," said The Sexy Hobo, holding out two wilted tulips and a half eaten bar of Hershey's. "I come bearing gifts of joy and pleasure, in hopes that you will regain your fighting mojo, and perhaps seize the day once more,"

Envy, sniffling up snot, gratefully accepted the gifts of joy and pleasure. "Thank you, sexy hobo," He managed to say as he burst into a fresh round of sobbing.

Scar handed him a booger-encrusted handkerchief. Envy accepted it and blew his nose, spewing fresh bogeys onto the cloth. "Gee, sexy hobo, I sure do appreciate you coming to my party..." Envy stuttered.

"What did you say? Speak clearly, I can't understand stuttering. Anyways, I have to leave now, my fangirls are holding an entire weekend convention in my honor," Scar dramatically exited, leaving Envy in tears.

"Noob." Scar chuckled to himself. Unfortunately, when he opened the door, he saw Ed in the middle of a deliberate Alphonse butt-grope.

"Sexy Hobo!" exclaimed the Shrimp Alchemist, forcing his arms back to his sides. "I didn't know you were in town today!"

"Hm." Scar narrowed his eyes at Ed. "Alphonse, is this shrimp bothering you?"

"Well...I..." Al dragged out his reply. "The truth is, I..."

* * *

AN: Crack is good, except when it's bad.


	4. bRaInSssS

"The truth is, I...he...forced himself onto me!" Al exclaimed, trying his best to ignore the waves of anger Ed was sending his way.

"Oh, now you're just askin' for it." Ed forced himself onto Al.

Scar watched the spectacle with a neutral expression. "A shrimp boy and a tin can...who would have ever guessed."

Envy stuck his head out the door. "Sexy Hobo? Are you coming back?"

"NO." The sexy hobo sexily threw his sexy cape over his sexy shoulders, and was off in the blink of a sexy eye.

Envy convulsed. "Oh my..." his eye twitched. "So... sexy." His other eye twitched as he slowly turned around to see the one sided Elricest currently going on.

"Oh... my..." Envy turned an unpleasant shade of green. "Er..." He reached for a nearby party hat and vomited his guts out. However, the very tip of the hat had a hole in it, and so the vomit funneled out, dripping onto the floor.

The floor grunted. "Hn. Every damn time there's a party..."

Ed finally let go of Al. "Now that my perversion has been sated, I can go and do more important people, like the Fuhrer and yo momma."

Al whimpered. "Brother, our momma is dead."

"Not anymore!" Ed held up his Handy Dandy human reviver tool. "I got this baby for ten bucks on eBay."

"Hmm." Al held up his Handy Dandy anti human reviver tool. "I got this baby for 5 bucks on shmeeBay."

The short one's face twisted and contorted into a demonic expression. "If it's an anti reviver, it's a killer. YOU MURDER, AL! YOU MURDER KITTENS!"

Al gasped. "Kittens? No. I murder revived corpses, because those are against my ethical views."

"Ethical views are for old people," Using his human reviver tool, Ed brought Trisha back to life.

Trisha looked around her. "Uhhhhn. Brains."

"YAAAA~!" Ed pounced onto his zombie of a mother and they began to have relations.

Al closed his virgin eyes and tried to block out the sounds of Trisha gnawing on Ed's head. However, he managed to take silent pride in the fact that his mother couldn't turn him into a zombie, as he was a tin can.

"Urhhg... I must have braiiiins..." Trisha gave up on Ed's head and started chewing on a head of cauliflower, which she had mistaken for a ripe brain.

Ed watched her eat. "After eating all those brains, she certainly doesn't seem any smarter."

"Wrong, shrimp boy." Trisha continued to gnaw. "I have just proven the Hodge Conjecture, invented a cure for AIDS, and developed a formula for artificial brains." she mumbled in a monotone.

However, all Ed had heard was 'shrimp boy'. "LOOKY HERE, MUM, YOU WILL SPEAK TO YOUR OWN SON, YOUR BLOOD AND BONE, WITH MORE RESPECT!"

Trisha corrected him. "Negatory. You are the result of my egg being fertilized by Hohenheim's sperm. My blood and bone has nothing to do with this." She finished off the cauliflower. "Now be a good boy, and go get mommy some brains."

"NO!" Ed stomped his foot indignantly. "I WON'T GET YOU BRAINS, I WON'T DO MY HOMEWORK, AND I WON'T SIT THROUGH AN AWKWARD BIRDS AND BEES TALK WITH YOU!"

"Mmm." Trisha nommed contentedly. "There's no need, I ate one of my artificially created brains." She handed Ed a page of 2nd grade arithmetic. "Now now, Edward, do your homework like a good little alchemist. And remember, the little line means minus."

Al watched their mother-son bonding moment. "Mommy, I want you to dote on me too!"

Trisha doted. "You too, Al." She handed him a 5 pound college calculus textbook. "I expect pages 780-880 finished by tonight."

Feeling good about himself, Al went to work. So did Ed.

"This is hard!" complained Ed, taking his arithmetic sheet and poking it into Al's armor. "Why is it necessary to know what 2+2 is?"

Al tsked. "Brother, every job requires math, including alchemy. Now... Let f and g be differentiable at x with g(x)=0. Then fg is differentiable at x and..." he rambled on.

Suddenly, a Mensa official burst into the room. "Alphonse Elric, you are hereby granted a position as Leader Of The Free World, and even though it is not in my power to grant such a position, I shall grant it anyways." He dragged Alphonse away.

Trisha's motherly instincts flared up. "DON'T TAKE MY BABY AWAY!" She jumped the Mensa official and stuck a straw through his ear. It came out through his other ear.

"Curses!" Trisha sucked up nothing but air.

"Ta-ta, zombie woman," The Mensa official successfully made off with Al. "Don't worry... we'll take GOOD care of your son..." he leered, flipping through a book entitled, "How To Brainwash Genius Tin Cans".

"NOO~!" cried Al, seeing the book title. "I'm not a tin can! I'm Alphonse Elric!"

"Who cares what you think," Al was pushed onto a sacrificial altar, where several Mensa officials used him as an offering to the fangirls.

"Wait..." Alphonse's supersonic brain started working again. "I thought I was supposed to be leader of the Free World, not a fangirl sacrifice!"

"We lied," said a particularly rotund Mensa official. "For we are..." They pulled off their cult robes and masks to reveal their true identities. "THE PTA!"

Everyone else gasped.

Al gasped. "The Parent-Teacher Association? Who'd have guessed!"

Ed gasped. "Why would such a gay club dare to be in my prescence?"

Envy gasped. "How dare you deny me entrance into your club!"

One of the PTA members stepped forward. "Well, are you a parent or teacher?"  
Envy scratched his palm tree fronds. "Er..." He guessed. "A parent?"

The PTA member was about to say something, but then a door opened and the silhouette of a small figure could be seen. "He isn't lying. I am...the son of Envy,"

DUN. DUN. DUUUUUUUN...

* * *

AN: WHO **IS **THE SON OF ENVY? TUNE IN NEXT TIME TO FIND OUT!


	5. Envy's Son and the PTA

Once again, everyone gasped.

Winry gasped. "Son? ENVY'S SON?" She fainted.

Instantly, Ed was at her side. "This is the perfect situation," He cackled to himself, undoing her pants.

Pinako gasped. "Winry! Quick, run away from the short rapist!" Winry could not respond, as she was still out cold.

Trisha gasped. Only it sounded more like a roar. "EDWARD ELRIC, YOU LET GO OF WINRY RIGHT NOW!"

Envy's son sighed. "The short one shall pay," In a flash, he had pulled Ed off of Winry, and thrown him to Envy.

Ed looked at Envy, who was frothing at the mouth. "Yo, Envy's son! What's up with your old man here?"

"I think he's insane!" Envy's son called back. "After all, the only thing he's done for ten years was going to gay bars and hooking up,"

Pinako gasped again. "Ed, you little runt, Envy's in heat! Run away, run away!" she sobbed into a handkerchief, mourning the fate of the very person who had just tried to molest her granddaughter moments ago.

Sure enough, Envy was in heat. He lunged at Ed. "I MUST HAVE HIS VIRGINITY~!"

Ed smirked. "Sorry, but I lost mine 15 YEARS AGO!" He muahaha-ed to himself.

Envy skidded to a halt. "No...impossible...how could a shrimp like you get laid so early?"

"Hn." Ed sneered. "When I was just a fetus, my mother's umbilical cord and I had relations."

Trisha nodded. "It's true."

Envy faltered. "Er... hmm... I MUST HAVE ALPHONSE'S VIRGINITY!"

But alas, Al was a tin can, and as every SMART transvestite palm tree knows, tin cans do not have virginity. Al giggled as Envy attempted to take his nonexistent virginity. "Stop! That tickles!"

Trisha narrowed her eyes at the gay transvestite palm tree. "TRISHA DOES NOT APPROVE OF YOUR RAPIST SHENANIGANS!"

Envy sniffled sadly. "All I ever wanted was to join the PTA..."

"DADDY!" Envy's son stomped his foot. "If you don't join the PTA I will go to your bed at night and I will cut open your head and eat your brains as you sleep!"

Trisha nodded. "It's true."

A PTA member walked up to Envy and handed him a sheet of paper and a pen. "Give us a completed application form and five dollars, then you will be part of our club."

Envy dug around in his miniskirt. "Do you take travelers' checks?"

"NO," said the PTA member. "Travelers' checks are for people who can't be bothered to have real checks,"

"Fine..." Envy rummaged around his pockets, buy didn't find any money. "Er... Son? Do you have any money to lend to your old man?"

Envy's son stuck his hands in his pockets and whistled as he scraped around. "All I have is three arcade tokens, a stick of gum, and a chodegina."

The PTA's leader stepped up. "Give us the tokens, gum, and chodegina. We'll let you become a junior member."

The transvestite palm tree turned to his son. "Won't you give me your tokens, gum, and chodegina like a good boy?"

Envy's son smirked. "Get down on your hands and knees and beg."

"wh-what?" Envy shrieked girlishly. "I am your father! Thou shalt not disgrace me in such a way!"

"You have two choices here: Beg, or have your brains eaten." Envy's son yawned and checked his watch. "My favorite TV show starts in ten minutes. I suggest you make your decision quickly,"

Envy tried to make up his mind. "Er... I'll... nah... I guess I'd better... nope..."

"Hurry up, we haven't got all day," All the PTA members checked their watches in unison.

"ALRIIIIIGHT!" Envy's eyes shone with a manic light. "I'LL BEG! YA HAPPY NOW?"

"Very much so," Envy's son watched his father get down on his knees.

"Why I oughta..." Envy bowed at his son's feet, grumbling and cursing the whole time.

Envy's son frowned. "You have to beg too."

"Oh, greatest son ever," Envy's voice dripped with sarcasm. "Please, if it does not burden you much, could you possibly give me the contents of your pockets?"

"...not good enough," said Envy's son. "The language must be more eloquent, the meaning more sincere. You must be willing to give your soul to me."

"..." Envy glowered at him. "Oh, my pulchritudinous offspring, mayn't thou givest me your paltry chattel, and saveth me from an indubital end?" He batted his eyelashes for extra sincerity. His child sighed and held out his bounty, acting as if it pained him to do it.

Envy shrieked and giggled as he filled out the application form. "Do I get to be a member of your club now?" He asked, hope filling his eyes.

"No. You're only a junior member," said the PTA leader, taking Envy's payment and application form.

"But..." Envy looked confused. "What's the difference between a senior member and a junior member?"

The PTA leader sighed. "A senior member can attend meetings, voice their opinion, vote, and eat the complimentary refreshments, whereas the junior members do all the slave work, like running bake sales and chaperoning field trips." To further emphasize his point, he took a cookie and stuffed it into his mouth. All the PTA members behind him also started nomming away at various snack foods.

Envy drooled a bit. He reached for a brownie. A female PTA member slapped his hand away.

Ed put on his chibi face and reached for some crudites. A different PTA member slapped his hand away. "You have to be a senior member of the PTA to eat these refreshments."

"But.." Ed pouted and turned on his sparkly eyes to 100% power. "I want snacks too!"

The PTA leader turned onto him, eyes sparkling menacingly. "Are you a parent or teacher?"

"Er..." Ed guessed. "A... teacher?"

"Who is your student?

Ed was about to tell an elaborate fabricated story, but then a shadowed figure entered the room. "I am...the apprentice of Sir Edward Elric,"

* * *

AN: Now that we've met Envy's son, it's time to get acquainted with Ed's student! What fun.


	6. Ed's Apprentice and the PTA

For the second time, everyone gasped at the same time.

Winry recovered from her faint. "...Who... are you?"

"I?" Ed's student assumed a mighty pose. "I am the apprentice of Sir Edward Elric,"

The gears in Ed's primitive brain began to turn. "But... Me no remember you!" he gasped.

Al wanted to help. "Brother, remember the time that you took him out to the mountains to train with you for a year?" He asked, hoping that it would jog Ed's memory.

Ed still didn't remember, but pretended to, so he wouldn't seem stupid in front of Winry. "Oh yeah, I remember now."

His apprentice narrowed his eyes at his teacher. "Then tell me, how many bears did we kick in the balls on that long ago Saturday evening?"

"Er..." Ed guessed. "Negative two?" As soon as the words were out of his mouth, he knew they were wrong.

To his great surprise, his apprentice grinned. "Correct!" He embraced Ed in a non-homosexual way.

Ed grimaced and pushed his assaulter away. "No touchy."

Pinako looked at them suspiciously. "Ed?" She called out innocently. "I can't seem to remember your student's name... perhaps you could remind me?" She smiled deviously.

Ed was about to say something, but his student cut him off. "My name is...kOseofngr. You may call me Ko for short,"

The PTA leader stepped forward. "Edward Elric, you have proven yourself to be a teacher. Now, if you turn in the application form and five dollars, you can become a senior member."

So Ed filled out the application form and paid the dues. Envy watched him in...dare I say...envy.

After Ed paid, he grabbed a Ho Ho. The PTA members cheered. Ko nodded in approval.

A vein in Envy's forehead bulged. An angelic Envy and a demonic Envy appeared on each of his shoulders.

The angelic Envy twanged its harp. "Envy, you should go up to Ed and congratulate him!"

"No!" whined the demonic Envy. "Go kill Ed and his arm candy like the badass you are!"

Envy shrugged. "Well, until we can reach a consensus here, I'm not going to do anything."

The demonic Envy smirked as he threw his pitchfork into the heart of the angelic Envy. "Obey me, now,"

"Welp," Envy got up and beelined towards Ed and Ko. "You gotta do what you gotta do."

"...and that's how you make a Fuzzy Navel," Ed finished lecturing Ko.

Suddenly, Ed felt a tap on his shoulder. It was Envy, with devil-Envy perched on his head.

"ME KILLS YOU!" shrilly shrieked devil-Envy, throwing his pitchfork at Ed, and slicing off his antenna.

Without his antenna, Ed was shorter than Envy. Ko was not pleased. He flicked devil-Envy into a nearby toilet.

"Teacher, you are too short for my liking," Ko took out a gun and shot himself dead.

The PTA's members all looked at Ed menacingly. "You are no longer a teacher, therefore you must relinquish your membership." The PTA leader snatched the half-eaten Ho Ho from Ed's hands. Ed donned his best set of sparkly eyes as he reached out for his half-eaten Ho Ho.

"Please, sir," Ed whimpered in an English accent. "I haven't had any food for days."

"That's not true!" exclaimed Al. "You ate everything in that buffet last Saturday!"

The PTA leader checked his calender. "That was yesterday."

Ed first looked angry, then displeased, then disappointed, then ready to kill.

Seeing this, Trisha ran up to him and gave him a hug. "Remember, Ed, killing is bad."

"Killing is good," said Ed, transmuting his automail blade and holding it up at the PTA leader's neck.

He reluctantly handed the Ho Ho back to Ed. Ed nommed on it happily. That is, until he was handed a bill.

"What is this?" exclaimed the Shrimp Alchemist.

"A bill, for the Ho Ho you just ate." The PTA leader was wearing neck armor this time.

Ed skimmed over it, his eyes going bloodshot. "This says I have to pay a million cenz for a half-eaten Ho Ho!"

"Ho Hos are very expensive," said a random PTA member. "They cost me my salary for the month,"

Ed continued to read the bill's fine print. "I also have to... give up ownership of my soul... sell Alphonse into sex slavery... have relations with Mustang..." Ed went green.

"You already ate it, so you must pay," The PTA leader took out a small comb and ran it through his hair. A female PTA member sighed and looked at him lustfully.

Al didn't want to be sold into slavery, especially not sex slavery. So he ran and hid behind Trisha.

"There, there," said Trisha. "Mommy won't let them sell you into slavery,"

Al sucked his thumb. "Mommy, the bad people scare me."

The PTA leader walked up to Al and Trisha. "Little boy, come with us. We have candy,"

"Candy?" Al forgot about everything else. "I want candy!" He giggled. Some PTA members led Al to a black van.

Ed checked number two off his list. "Now, all I have to do is give up ownership of my soul and do Mustang!" He thought happily.

"Did someone think about me?" Mustang and his 63 STDs arrived at the scene.

The PTA leader tapped his foot testily. "Hurry up. And don't forget the million cenz."

Mustang looked around quizzically. "Huh?"

Ed pulled down his own pants. "All right, let's get this over with."

* * *

AN: Prepare for a n00b lemon scene the likes of which you've never seen before.


	7. Ho Ho Payment

Mustang looked unabashedly at Ed's private parts. "So it's not made of automail...hmm...so the tabloids were actually wrong..."

Ed's eyes bugged out and he covered his nether regions. "You old perv! I'll... I'll.." He looked at the PTA leader. "I'll... have relations with you."

"Relations?" Mustang pulled down his pants. "Why, Shrimpy? Do you wish to acquire my 63 STDs?"

"Well..." Ed sighed. "Three of them are curable, right?"

"Once they go through me, they're no longer curable," Mustang sighed happily. "But it's okay,"

Ed gulped and prepared himself for the x-rated activities in which he would be subjected to in a few seconds.

Trisha watched the old man advance onto her first born son. "This oughta make me a pretty penny!" she cackled, readying her video camera.

The PTA watched as Mustang forced himself onto Ed. A female PTA member sighed. "Ah... young love. It never fails to turn me on."

"Stop..." Ed gasped out as he felt something strange going on inside of him. He glared at the PTA president. "After this, I'm reporting you to Child Services."

As the PTA prez was about to say something, Hawkeye burst into the room. "MUSTANG!" She barked, throwing a huge manila envelope at his head. "WHY ARE YOU HAVING RELATIONS WITH A MINOR? FINISH YOUR PAPERWORK FIRST!"

Roy snapped his fingers and the paperwork was burnt to ashes. "There. Done."

Riza glared at the soot. "You're fired," She told Roy.

Roy sneered. "You can't fire me, I'm of a higher rank than you."

Fuhrer Bradley stepped in, wearing his happy face. "Mustang, you're fired,"

"B-b-but sir!" Roy begged and pleaded. "I have a sick wife and thirteen hungry children to feed!"

"Don't worry," said the Fuhrer. "I've already secured you a job as lamp lighter. It pays fairly well, and you being the Flame Alchemist, it should be an easy enough position,"

"FUHRER BRADLEY!" Roy cried. "THINK OF THE CHILDREN!"

"...Mustang, you have no children, or a wife," Fuhrer Bradley took a comb out and ran it through his hair. Pinako fainted. The PTA president watched him jealously. He quietly took out his own comb and compared it to Fuhrer Bradley's.

"Mine is better," He said to himself.

Pinako recovered. "No it's not." she said, making googly eyes at Bradley.

Meanwhile, Roy was still trying to keep his military position while at the same time having relations with Ed.

"You must understand my situation!" He exclaimed as Ed began to scream in pain and pleasure. "I must keep my job, or I won't have enough money to buy miniskirts!"

"Fine." Fuhrer Bradley rolled his eyes. "You'll still be a lamp lighter, but I'll give you a monthly miniskirt stipend, okay?"

"Okay!" Now Roy was happy.

"Now..." Bradley held out a piece of paper. "If you'll just sign these release forms stating that the government will have no responsibility whatsoever in the very likely case that you die on the job, we can get started."

Roy was angry. "Looky here, Mister Fuhrer Guy, I'm busy having relations with a minor right now,"

The Fuhrer smiled knowingly. "Then I'll just leave the papers here and go."

"You do that," So the Fuhrer left.

Ed groaned. "How many more minutes of this do I have to endure?" he asked the PTA prez.

"Mustang can decide for himself," said the PTA prez, frantically combing his hair.

"Really? I can?" Mustang grinned. "I say we go on for another six hours."

-Six Hours Later-

"I am unclean!" moaned Ed after he had taken a shower. "But all I have to do now is get a million cenz and give up my soul!" he smiled cheerfully. The million cenz wouldn't be a problem, as Ed could easily swipe it from purses and cash registers.

-Six Hours Later-

Ed proudly handed over one million cenz to the PTA prez.

"Good job," said the PTA prez. "Now I can buy a nicer comb,"

"I have a question." Ed raised his hand like a good boy.

"Yes?" The PTA prez was already looking through a comb catalog.

"How am I supposed to give you my soul?" Ed asked.

"It's actually very easy," The PTA prez held up a rickety looking device. "I purchased this Soul Extractor Tool on shmeeBay, and with the push of a button, your soul is mine,"

Ed gulped. "Isn't there any alternative to this?" He demanded. "THINK OF THE CHILDREN!"

"You're not a child, you're a shrimp," The PTA prez pointed a rusty needle towards Ed. "Don't worry, this won't be painful,"

Trisha suddenly spoke up. "How's Alphonse doing?"

The PTA prez did not reply, as he was busy extracting Ed's soul.

"Almost there..." he squinted. "There we go!" The PTA prez grasped a slimy, opaque blob in his hands. "Behold! Edward Elric's soul!"

"Congratulations," said a PTA member, patting Ed on the back. "You have paid off your half eaten Ho Ho,"

Ed looked ahead blankly. "Pizza."

"You should buy me some," Roy said happily.

Ed blinked. "Zucchini bread."

"Is this how it is?" Trisha demanded. "My eldest son is a vegetable and my baby boy is a sex slave?"

"Popcorn chicken." Ed hugged his mommy.

Trisha felt better. "Brains~" She followed Ed's food theme.

"Zebra cakes."

"Brains~"

"Cow pie."

"Cauliflower~"

"Asiago meatball."

"Moldy cauliflower~"

"Lobster tail."

"Moldy brains~"

"Clamato juice."

Meanwhile, Al was in a brothel doing XXX related things. "HELP ME~!"

* * *

AN: The next chapter will document Al's adventures in the world of Mustang's happy fun time. Review!


	8. Brain Dead Ed and Al's Insanity

_So, here we are, in a brothel._

Al shivered. "WHO ARE YOU?" He cried, referring to the voice that had just said 'So, here we are, in a brothel'.

_I? I am the omnipotent narrator who sees all, knows all, and tells all._

"Oh." Al thought. "So, can you tell me how to get out of here?"

_No, you are only a young grasshopper._

"Hey, Mister," Al frowned. "You're starting to piss me off."

_For your information, I am a Miss, and you are an unclean child for saying 'piss'._

"AAAAAAUUUUURRRRYYYYYGGGHH!" Al screamed. This was even worse than the XXX activities.

"Wanna play?" A well endowed woman swooped onto Al from behind.

Al gulped. The frog in his throat went down.

Meanwhile, Ed and Trisha were still conversing.

"Fried beans,"

"Moldy brains~"

"Peanut butter,"

"VERY moldy brains~"

"Lemon slushie,"

"Mold~"

"American pie,"

"Moldy mold~"

"Cheese,"

The PTA prez, (who was named Perez, by the way), combed his hair again, eliciting several swoons from the female PTA members.

"This is boring," he said, smoothing out a particularly rumpled stretch of hair. "Yo, Edward. You can have your soul back." Perez took out his Soul Injector tool and gave Ed back his soul.

"Tortill- hey, where am I?" Ed blinked.

"You're in a random meadow," Perez informed Ed. "And you're in love with Roy Mustang." He sniggered.

"And you are an only child," said the PTA vice prez, who's name was Turd.

"It's true," Trisha said. "Alphonse is dead to me now."

All this information was difficult for Ed to take in at once. His brain started dripping out of his bum. Trisha was there immediately, her mouth wide open.

[insert EXTREMELY GRAPHIC material here]

Now that Ed had no brain, he was back to being a vegetable as before.

"Cardboard."

Trisha gasped. "Edward, do not say such things!"

"Camera?" Ed looked at her questioningly.

* * *

At the brothel, Al and the well endowed woman were getting along well.

_I'm rather disgusted by this display of carnal pleasure._

"Um...excuse me?" Al gently but firmly pushed the woman off. "I'm only 14, so..."

_That is no excuse. Now, drop and give me three-hundred._

"I don't wanna!" Al whined.

_Don't make me get the switch out, Alphonse, darling._

The well endowed woman looked shocked. "What is this?"

Al gasped. "Er... this isn't what it looks like, dear!"

Mei Chan and Xiao Mei appeared out of nowhere. Mei Chan looked around her. "Hey... this looks like Ling's Happy Fun Time place!"

"Mei!" Al was really in a pickle now. "Er...what's going on? Why are you here?"

_You useless twit, it's obvious that she used a simple transportation machine to get here._

"That's right," Mei affirmed. "I traded my sanity for it on shmeeBay."

"Is that so," Al stroked an imaginary beard.

_And so, they lived happily ever after._

"BWAHAHAHAHAHHA~!" Mei cackled loudly. "I CAN HEAR VOICES!"

"I can hear them too," said Al. "I guess I lost my sanity too."

_And so, the insane shrimp girl, shrimp panda, and insane tin can lived happily ever after_.

Al glared at the ceiling, where he thought an omnipotent narrator would like to hide. "Could you please stop making assumptions about me?"

_But sweetie, assumptions are what I live for._

"GAH!" Al snarled. "WHERE ARE YOU? COME OUT, SO I CAN KILL YOU!"

Mei gasped at the sight of Al's butcher knife. "Arufonse-kewn?"

"WHAT?" Al turned his steely gaze onto Mei. "CAN'T YOU SEE THAT I'M BUSY HERE?"

"Butcher knives are no good," said Mei. "You need this machine gun,"

Al logged off the computer. "No thanks, I just bought an Omnipotent Narrator Trap from shmeeBay." He set the trap in a corner of the brothel.

"Are you sure it will work?" Mei asked tearfully.

_Ooooh... a plot bunny. I MUST HAVE!_

Al and Mei were staring into each other's eyes as the Omnipotent Narrator Trap crashed down, trapping a hapless omnipotent narrator.

Mei broke off the staring contest. "Now, let's see who this villain is!" she exclaimed, pulling on the narrator's face. "This is a mask, I can feel it."

The face that looked back at them was none other than of Pride.

"Selim?" Al gasped. "But... I thought you were an innocent little boy who adored his father!"

"I thought you were an innocent little boy too, until I saw you here," said Pride.

"Go die in heck, biznatch!" Al cleaved Pride's head in half. It glued itself together.

Pride sniffled. "Al, don't you remember what we had between us?"

"Never mind those precious summertime memories!" Al smacked Pride on the head. "Besides, I thought you said you were a Miss!"

"I was." Pride spat. "Until my father spayed me."

"Huh?" Now Al was confused. "My virgin ears are not used to this kind of language."

Pride sighed huffily. "You suck."

"Yo momma!" Mei came to Al's rescue. She karate chopped Pride's head into half. It glued itself together again. Mei assured herself it was the principle of the thing that mattered, and made a beeline for Al's side.

"FIREPLACE!" Ed jumped in and sliced Pride's head into _thirds_.

* * *

AN: It's the battle of the century: Al, Ed, and Mei vs. Pride. Don't miss it! And please, find some kindness in your hearts to review.


End file.
